Spoonful of Sugah

Rears It's Ugly Head??? 

Hey Jealousy.....Jealousy..... (What's that song about anyway?)

It's that ugly green monster or as we call it in our house, Mr. Green.  It's ugly, so very ugly.  How do you deal with it when Mr. Green comes knocking on your door?  Do you invite him in for tea?  Do you close the blinds and pretend you're not home?  Do you run out of the house, screaming at Mr. Green in a rage of anger?

Tonight Mr. Green got the best of me.  He came knocking when i was not expecting him and he left splashes of ugly green ink all over my white walls.  It was such a good day and i let him get the best of me. 

This deployment is so much harder than I imagined it would be.  I know, I've said this before.  I hate the word deployment.  What's with the "ployment" words anyway?  Unemployment for instance??? Unemployment = no job.  Deployment = no soldier.  What's this all about?  I find myself saying ugly things that I don't mean so that I can protect myself.  I just keep asking myself how I'm gonna get through this next year.

 I'm thankful for the friends who take the time to listen and understand.  You know who you are.  Thank you.  For tonight,  YOU :) are my spoonful.

I haven't visited here in awhile.  Things are just a bit too overwhelming right now.  I'm experiencing first hand what it's like to have the person I love most in this world away for a year of deployment overseas. 

I knew it was coming and I thought I was prepared.  I understood what it meant in theory.  I understood that physically we'd be away from eachother for a year's worth of time.  I understood that we'd miss eachother.  I understood that it would be difficult at times but that we'd make it through.  I understood that the time away might even make our relationship stronger.   I honestly had no idea how difficult this year of our life would be.

We are very fortunate that we get to speak on the phone daily.   During these conversations I try really hard to hide the pain and worry from him.  (I'm not always good at it, but I try really hard) After all, he's working 24/7 in a third world country day in and day out so that WE (You, yes YOU!, me, my family, your family and all of our neighbors in between) can live our safe and nestled lives here in the USA.   He gets up early each morning, says his prayers, puts on that beige & green camouflage uniform, and begins his day by eating in the same kitchen which a dozen rats (yes, those lovely large rodents with the really long tails) ramsacked throughout the night.   One of the main things I hear him voice over and over is how he really hopes he's making a difference.  He CARES about the things he's doing and the impact that he is making.

 So, I ask myself, "What in the world do I have to complain about????"  How can I sit here in my little suburban town with a nice roof over my head and plenty of food in my clean kitchen and complain about all that I am missing? 

I'm not here to gripe, and I'm certainly not here to share all the private details of my relationship with the world (or the 5 people that read my blog!), but I do need to remind those who read my blog to take the time to remember those who serve and why they are serving.  Try to remember that aside from all of the talk in politics and the debate on whether or not we should be at WAR, there are men and women right this very moment fighting for their very lives so that we can sit around and argue over who is the best candidate.  These men and women BELIEVE in what they are fighting to protect and they are doing this for US.  The families of these men and women SACRIFICE every single moment that they don't get to share with those whom they love.  The next time you want to scream out to the world about what is and what is not worthwhile, just please remember that the woman or man standing next to you may have recently lost a loved one, or may be missing a loved one like crazy, to this cause that you find so unworthy. 

Today I began the book The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane, by Kate DiCamillo.  I got 1/2 way through the story in a short time and did not want to put down this book!  The word "delightful" comes to mind.  The story of a china rabbit who is literally strewn on a journey and has to learn about love.....one of the most endearing stories I have ever read.  I highly recommend it!  I think I'll get a copy and give it as a gift to my 9 year old.  Thank you Kate DiCamillo.  Sometimes a book can really lift your spirits.  For today, this was my spoonful.

I checked my mail later than usual and there was my shiny new passport.  I opened it and looked inside.  I'm not sure what I was expecting to find, but I opened it really carefully.  I imagined for a moment how cool it would be for one of my descendents to someday have a copy of it after I am long gone from this earth.  Maybe several generations from now, one of my descendants will find the record of my passport and get as excited as I do when I am researching genealogy and come across a picture or legal document that tells the tale of the life of one of my ancestors.  I find it fun and amusing to think about.  I'm sure they'd size up my picture and try to find some connection to the look on their own face.  It's interesting how we are always searching for those links to those who came before us.  I think it's comforting in a world that spins at such an incredibly fast pace.

I wonder what the story will tell.  I hope it speaks of a life fully lived, a life that radiated with honesty, love, and kindness.  That is my intention. 

As I held the passport in my hands tonight, I once again had a moment of awe, realizing just how blessed I am to be living in a country where I can speak my mind, write down and share my thoughts, practice my own faith, have the option to work, travel, own a home, drive to the grocery store, sing out loud...... it's not a perfect place, but I am grateful for the freedoms which it provides.

Today I learned of a family who is homeless. 

Being in the field of education, it's not the first time I've heard a similar story.  It's one that will always make my stomach clump into a ball of knots, like snakes twisted together in a rattan basket.  I don't know why we don't take better care of eachother.  I don't know how we let families with small children end up on the streets scrapping for their next meal.  I'm not pointing a finger at politicians, goverment agencies and local welfare departments either.  That's just too easy.  EVERYBODY DOES IT.  I'm actually tired of hearing it. I'm referring to each of us as free, thriving, mostly materialistic individuals. 

How do we turn our heads and go about our days thinking about what kind of new SUV we want when there are others who are out in our very same towns thinking about how nice it would be to have a warm and comfortable place to sleep? 

How do we walk around every day with our eyes closed so tightly and yet get to our destinations on time and with snacks galore in our soccer bags? These are the questions I often ask myself. 

If each of us got involved in just one selfless endeavor.....oh, imagine the impact it could make. 

Where I live, approximately 100 other people live in my building. 

What if each of these persons set out to give of themselves for 2 full hours each week? 

What's that like, about 16 minutes each day? 

(enough time to smoke a cigarette maybe? pick out a movie?  Put on your makeup?)

That would be 200 hours each week of making a positive impact on someone else's life.

THIS IS JUST IN MY BUILDING!

That would end up being 10,400 hours of giving each year.

How positive could the impact be with just this short 2 hours of time, radiating out into local communities?

Better yet, HOW GOOD WOULD THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

(imagine, a natural antidepressant, what a concept!)

We can brainstorm, and oh, I will in subsequent posts!

What would you choose to do for YOUR two hours?

It's been a bit since I last wrote.  And although, the 2nd week of school was very draining, it's been a good weekend to recharge and get organized for the week ahead.

While conversing with my fiance, the subject of taking his last name came up recently.  This will be a second marriage for each of us, and although we are usually able to discuss nearly anything constructively, I have to say this has been a very heated discussion and one that I'm glad has finally found some peace.  All the same, these  discussions have really gotten me thinking about this whole business of what's in a name.

I remember signing my new married name for the first time prior to having children.  It was a strange feeling.  I was no longer who I had been for the first 23 years of my life.  I was no longer associated with the name which told the story of my childhood and running through the woods all summer playing tag and kickball.  I was no longer the same name as the girl who struggled with some family issues while trying so hard to get through high school and on to college.  My name was no longer associated with the girl who had poems published in the college literary magazine or who in 7th grade beat all the eighth graders in the annual spelling bee.  That little girl who used to dance on the coffee table and sing for all the world was no longer named like me. 

As time went on, I was able to slowly embrace my new name.  I had many new life experiences by which my new name became associated.  Upon graduation from college, I landed my first job and jointly owned my first home.  I went on to owning my 2nd home and I planted some pretty flower gardens and put alot of love into them.  A few years later I also gave birth to a new beautiful blessed human being.  I worked in the field of Higher Education where I was able to touch the lives of the students whom I counseled. Wow, there was so much of me connected to this new name.  2 1/2 years later, I then again gave birth to another wonderful blessed being.  Life would never be the same.  Being a mother was one of the best and most difficult things I ever accomplished. 

Unfortunately my first marriage did not sustain and I was told that I couldn't keep the name (I wonder how many divorces include the disputing of a name), as if stripping me of the name would strip me of all the good I had done in my life?  My indignant response was that, "Hmmphh, the only thing that my connection to the name could do was improve it's reputation".  I would keep the name for my children, so that they would know they were not the ones being divorced, so that they would know that they still had the same mother who would always be right there for them, loving them each and every day.

And now, time has passed, old wounds have healed, and new dreams have been born.  I still hold the same name as my children and yet, I've fallen in love with my best friend in this world who has asked me to marry him.  We will be married and we will be very happy.  We will communicate and we will love our three combined children with all of our hearts.  

But here I find myself,  torn, over a name.  To leave the name that I share with my children feels like I would be abandoning them in some way.  It really is just a name, but then again, is it?  I no longer connect it in my mind with my former spouse, but it will always have a connection to my beautiful children.  Since they are girls, they will probably one day also be faced with the choice of whether to change their names.  I'm not sure that it will be easy for them either.  I just hope they are able to do what they feel is right in their hearts.

The beautiful, gentle, strong, and caring man I'm about to marry has accepted that I will keep my former name in some scenarios, as well as take his last name on documents pertaining to our new life.  This was difficult for him to do for reasons I will not disclose here.  Let's just say he felt the way he did out of love, respect, and protection for me.

I'm so glad I live in the day and age where I have some choice in the matter.  I think about my ancestors and wonder if they too struggled with a sense of loss of themselves while leaving behind their old name.  I also think about Hawthorne and the fact that he changed his name and I know he too understood the impact of a name.  I wonder what others think about this and if anyone has had a similar struggle.

 For today, finding peace with this issue..... is my spoonful....and for this....I am grateful.

With Labor Day here, I'm quietly reflective as I am every year.  Thank you Grover Cleveland for this extra day to honor another summer's farewell while getting together with friends and family.  I'm reminded of a really fantastic Summer of 2007.  The coolest thing about it is we enjoyed it right here in New England with so much to do that we were left feeling we needed a vacation from our vacation. 

The above pic is a shot I got while taking a ferry from Boston Harbor over to Spectacle Island, one of the many Harbor Islands located just beyond the Harbor.  It was really cool to be surrounded by beautiful sailboats while having planes fly directly overhead.  We got to witness a Native American gathering with the Nipmuc people and I was reminded, once again, of just how blessed I am to live in such a sacred part of this FREE and beautiful country. 

I think for many of us New Englanders, we take for granted just how fortunate we are each day as we tread upon this land, taking part in the daily grind, rushing blindly to our destinations.  As many of us commute down 93 across the bridge into Boston, we are so focused on getting to work on time, that we don't often have time to remember that we are able to FREELY work and thrive and exist because of that small group of people who stood up for what they believed in back a few hundred years ago, on this very same land.  Since that time, there have also been many others who have fought that similar fight and we NEED to remember them and honor them each day as we go about our business.  How very blessed are we to be living a life where many of us complain that the grocery line is too long, our internet connections are just not running fast enough, and our summers are much too short?  Is this REALLY ALL we have to complain about? 

This very moment many of our friends, families, and loved ones are busy dedicating and sacrificing their lives to honor this freedom that we take so much for granted.  They have given up these lazy days of summer and are living in foreign countries, eating food for nourishment instead of gluttonous pleasure, sweating in the hot sun in heavy uniforms and tightly laced boots.  They are fighting for all of our lives every single day, as well as their own.  Have we taken the time EVERY SINGLE DAY to honor and remember them, to let them know what they're doing is worthwhile, to just take one minute, ONE MINUTE of our so called busy day and say a small prayer for them? 

Where did you put your flag?  Did that yellow ribbon on your car make too much of a political statement for you, so you threw it away? What happened to "We Remember" or "We'll Never Forget"?  If we were to tally up all of the losses and say that it all happened on one day, would that help us to remember?  Where is our collective memory?  We'll remember to pick up our dry cleaning this week, but will we remember that many were lost this week so that we could keep that simple freedom?

la la la la la, reading and writing and arithmetic, poor poor Mr. Peanut will never get a chance to be educated....goodbye old friend.  I'll miss those fantastic legs...

 So today was the 1st day of school....WOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

It all started well enough.  I got a pretty good night of sleep, showed up on time.  Everyone was all smiles and I was hopeful and energized..........AND THERE IT WAS......that DREADED (please imagine the music from "Jaws" here) teachers' room filled to the brim with cupcakes, cakes, breads, candy, granola bars, ....and a tiny bit of fruit.  Have you ever heard anyone complain that the PTA was too generous?  I already decided at the end of summer I would SAY NO to snacks in the teachers' room....soooooo.....I DID!  Wow, that was easy....1 day down, only 179 to go!  I'll keep ya posted!

Heading on down to the classroom.  Wow, the students look alot shorter than last year's class.  It's amazing how much 5th graders grow throughout the course of the year.  A great morning and everyone seemed interested and alert.  It's so funny how many of the students come to school on the first day with so many supplies that they can barely fit them into their desks.  Yep, we are a "Have to have" society.  I remember being excited about a few new pencils and a new ruler.  A new pencilbox?  Well, THAT was a bonus!

Why are the Fall clothes available in stores always long sleeve and the pants always long?  I loften wonder this.  Our kids go to school all decked out in their stylin' new outifts and they sweat their butts off throughout the day.  It reminds me of Easter.  Here in New England we've even had snow on Easter and yet, the stores are lined w/ pretty little sleeveless dresses and open toed sandals.  So, who won that war anyway??? (snicker, snicker, sorry Soldier, Love of my life! Just playin')  Oh yeah, and Halloween.  Can't forget Halloween.  Most of the pretty princess costumes are cute enough to wear to a dance recital.  But our children run around freezing and parents run around trying to find something "to go with" our children's costumes so that they won't freeze to death.  Oh, we're so good to our kids and retail stores just love us!  ( wow, I sound a little cynical tonight, must've been a long day)

Sooo... back to today.  We got all the way to snack time and to diagramming a nice poem...and then all of a sudden the principal is there to tell us one of our students was on the way to the hospital due to an allergic reaction to peanuts.  Poor Mr. Peanut, I bet he never even saw it coming.  It seemed that just 15 minutes ago the teacher was just explaining how we all needed to be extra careful and the students were all nodding their heads in understanding.  How did this happen?  I have to say the whole affair stressed ME out, I can't imagine how those 5th graders must have felt all day.

I'm left to wonder where all of these peanut allergies have come from.  I have friends who have children with lactose intolerance, peanut allergies, yeast allergies, gluten allergies...what ever happened to simple things like seasonal allergies and cat and dog allergies?  Someone once told me that it has something to do with what is used in our kids' vaccines. I'd like to know the statistics.  How ridiciulous is all of this?  What's next?  Are we going to become allergic to apples?  Sometimes I feel like we live in that movie about the boy in the bubble, except... there is no bubble.

After the whole peanut incident, I thought to myself, "Ok, let's begin again, it's a new day".  After all, I am an optimist. Off to recess duty.  Well, there I was standing there about 2 minutes into my playground duty when 2 of my "regulars" run up to me to tell me another student punched them in the stomach (these are 2nd graders mind you!)  Of course I call the adorable child over to see what's going on and what do you think he did????

Yep, he walked off and ignored me.  So, I followed him and explained nicely that he needed to come with me to talk about what happened.  He yelled out, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO!"  So, then I told him that he needed to go in and speak with the principal.  He then proceded to continue to ignore me and ran across the playground.  As I made my way over to where he was, I saw him STANDING in the middle of a see-saw in full action.   Sigh.  Then of course the bell rang.  Saved by the bell?  Do you think he was thinking that?  Well, he ran inside from the opposite end of the playground which I wasn't in.  Needless to say, we did have our little "pow wow" a few minutes later in the Principal's office.  It seems he and I both had a crappy first day of school.

Now, you have to understand that I am the "too nice" assistant out there on the playground.  The meanies (no, they're really nice) were joking today about how I say in a soft voice, "Hey, there, please don't do that".  Yes, I'm slowly learning to be more assertive.  Do you think this will help??

I know, probably not.  I just keep thinking there just has to be another way.  So....there's my first day...day one of another academic year...and I'M STILL BREATHING! (I'd like you to imagine the music from "Star Wars" right here.... NO NO NO, don't go download a clip!  Remember that thing inside of you....called your imagination?????  Please sit there for 2 minutes and use it!)  Traaaa la la and goodnight!

ps. please check out origami fortune teller picture from below and imagine it at the top of this.  Blog.com kept timing me out and it wouldn't save them together....

 I am going to cut and paste one more time to see if it will work.  I've been here for an hour trying to figure out why my whole article will not save.....grrrrrrr..  My pic below was just the top of my whole day's worth of writing....HELP!!

This little "spoonful" tonight is dedicated to a former roomie who knew how to keep my deepest secrets embedded in the blue walls. 

Tonight we made "Sausage and Potatoes" for dinner.

 Here's the recipe:

Ingredients:  sweet italian sausage, red potatoes, 1 red pepper, 1 green pepper, 1 onion, italian dressing, italian seasonings...voila!  Soooooooo easy, cut it all up, put it into a casserole dish, drizzle (more like douse!)  it w/ italian dressing and throw it in the oven for an hour and 1/2 or so at about 375.  Serve with some good bread and enjoy.

Tonight while I was cutting up the peppers I was thinking about how many of my recipes hold the memory of a person who at one time opened their heart to me.  I am thankful for these memories. 

The girls decided they would take the seeds from the peppers, put them in a wet papertowel and see if they will grow.  Aren't children divine?

And if the saying, "you are what you eat" holds any truth, then, Mansuetude, I guess tonight I would reply that I am "sausage and potatoes". 

Peace and love to a certain soldier tonight whose impact on my world I will never have the adequate words to describe. 

Just for tonight, THIS is my spoonful~!